the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
