yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
