Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
