She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
