just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.