He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
