I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
