I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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