she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
