Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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