I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
