I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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