she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
