he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
