Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
