I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
