apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
