I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
