The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
