Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
