yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
