i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
