if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
