Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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