I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i love accidental penises.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
