somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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