Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
