i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
