a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
