my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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