What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
