why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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