dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
