I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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