my phone needs a breathalizer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
