Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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