Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have fence marks all over my body
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
