??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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