I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
