I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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