Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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