My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
