So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
