I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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