Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
