Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
