and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
