just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
