Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
