Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
