I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
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Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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