Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
