Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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