I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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